What is it like to be diagnosed with ADHD later in life as a parent of neurodivergent children?

Me

When I was diagnosed in 2023 at the age of 45, it was a rollercoaster of emotions and as time passed and I wasn’t magically imbued with self-acceptance and executive functioning skills I felt pretty lost.  I started on medication (which was really helpful for me) and I had already been deep diving in to learn everything I could about the condition for my children and myself as we navigated assessment. Frustratingly, none of this gave me the skills I needed to work with my ADHD brain and I continued to struggle with the same issues I’ve had all my life. 

I realised that for a lot of my life I had been trying so hard to change myself - for what I thought was the better - for me and those around me. I’ve been exhausted since my late teens when I was diagnosed with ME/CFS however I began to wonder if this ‘masking’ my true self was contributing to the fatigue. De-masking seemed like the answer but knowing and navigating the how left me even more confused!

My Children

I thankfully have the most wonderful children and as we all went through wondering/assessment/diagnosis we agreed that our home would be a mask free zone! I found this so challenging as I mask a lot of my exhaustion as well as my ADHD and I didn’t want my children to feel that they couldn’t come to me and ask for things due to my fatigue. However, what this has meant in reality is that my children can now see a parent who can acknowledge her own needs and I hope role-modelling this will also be helpful for them. 

My Home

I love that my home is a safe place and that we now see and interpret things so differently with our neurodivergent lenses on. Now we see someone withdrawing as a sign that they want some space rather than everyone wondering if they did something wrong. We work together to get out of the house with far less stress. It is now clear why someone needs a specific seat in the car, that my eldest will want to verbally run through what they are taking and that even with our best efforts it is likely that someone will need to go back into the house for something forgotten! The ability to laugh at this and support each other is really quite special.  

Our dinner table can be interesting!  Again we are so much better at just laughing if we are all talking over each other and know that turn taking will inevitably mean someone forgets what they wanted to say. I especially enjoy it when someone just spontaneously goes back to a conversation topic that finished 10 mins ago as if there had not been any other conversation happening. 

We have some lovely times with loud music, singing and enjoying ourselves without fear of reproach, we can also take quiet alone time when needed without judgement. We understand which things are hard and easier between us and look after each other accordingly. One of the kids will always accompany me if I have to face a supermarket for example. It is great that we can support and celebrate our divergences together. 

They know they can tell me (info dump) about their special interests but do try to avoid this late at night as they know I will be tired and listening will be hard for me. We can laugh and joke about our individual or collective divergence ( “you’re ADHDing hard” or “being sooo autistic”) which may sound negative or uncomfortable, but for us, to be able to laugh at ourselves has helped our self-acceptance. 

As a family of autistic, ADHD and autistic/ADHDers (AuDHD), we also have queer, trans and non-binary flavours too. All and everyone are welcomed, accepted and celebrated. I find the neurodivergent community to be the most expressive, creative, inclusive and caring community I had ever had the privilege of being part of. 

Our home is not perfect by any stretch but then perfection is rarely achievable and a collective ‘good enough’ is really quite freeing!

My experience of unmasking

Part of unmasking for me meant having to try different things out. I have been masking for so long that working out what was actually ‘me’ was a bit like trying on different outfits and having to examine them in the mirror, seeing which shoes would match and also the essential test- are they comfortable to sit down in! I realised that some things I thought were the true me, actually weren’t and on the flip side, some of what I thought was ‘masking’ I now see as helpful coping strategies for down regulating my emotions. 

My tendency to overthink and overanalyse can have me feeling I’m searching through muddy puddles in the dark. I won’t give up though. Realising that this will remain an ongoing process has really helped me. I am trying to be kinder to myself, allow myself to make mistakes and to keep trying on those outfits knowing that some will be great and some will turn out to be irritating, uncomfortable and get taken to the charity shop!

I am much more able to advocate for myself now, and the people around me have not found this as hard as I feared. The best part is noticing how much less I apologise for who I am and that other people really appreciate this. I’m still tired a lot but I am so much more forgiving of myself and not having the need to hide or apologise is a huge weight lifted off me. 

Finding a space to get to know and live our authentic selves makes for a journey of uncomfortable times, amazing times, some big frustrations and bigger freeing moments. It is so worth the trickier times! 

No one else can be you and the world needs us even if it doesn’t always realise it!

Coaching

Part of my self-discovery and advocacy was realising that my long-term career as a paediatric dietitian in the NHS was just not hitting the right spots for me and that I had been trying too hard for too long and had lost my joy in it. I’ve taken the leap of becoming an ADHD coach. The coaching course with ADHD Works was exactly what I wanted. It gives a solid framework for working through executive functioning challenges. It also builds in space for focusing on the individual’s questions and specific learning desires alongside the big dreams and goals. Making big life changes is scary but coaching gives me energy and it's so refreshing to be focussed and determined again. 

Just as I needed to try things on to find my authentic self, I love being the shopping buddy to help others find what fits them too! If you would like to know more about my coaching please reach out.